Silly Hope.

If there is anything that I spend most of my time talking about, it's gotta be lending out advice about relationships.
...And if there is anything that I have spent a lot of time dwelling upon,
 it's how much I have been genuinely screwed over, repeatedly.

You see...us girls, we tend to put hope in many silly things.
We hope that maybe he will notice that we trimmed our bangs...
We hope that by wearing a lower cut shirt, he'll actually notice us...
We hope that by shamelessly flirting and kissing him, he'll actually want us...
We hope that by having sex with him, he will actually love us..
We hope, hope, and hope so more...and most of the time, get hurt in the end.

Whose fault is your heartbreak? Almost all TV shows, songs, and movies dub THE heartbreaker on the guy. If anything goes horribly wrong in our relationship, it's automatically the guy who did it all, on his own. Sure, if we do get cheated on, or lied to, or screwed over...it sucks, majorly. And to some point, it IS his fault...
But at the same time, we need to take a step back and realize majority of the time, we allow our heartbreak.

Personally, for me...I have always been the girl who was "fine" with whatever he wanted.
We never needed a "title", that's just for people who are "insecure in their relationship"...I thought.
I was "fine" that he had 'commitment phobia'. Hey, maybe I was that one amazing girl who would change him.
...I put my hope in something not just silly, but absolutely ridiculous.
Even though I knew ALL of this upfront, I still allowed myself fall deeper, which made my fall in the end even more harsh.
I allowed my own heartbreak.
I allowed myself to cry on the couch.
I allowed myself to have my heart sink to my butt, and get a huge lump in my throat
 every time I heard that song.
And then I realized, "Holy moley, not only did he majorly screw me over, I actually allowed it."


So girls, I know we all have that one thing that we do repeatedly...whether it be giving that one guy his 6th, 7th, or 90th, chance, or staying with the guy who cheats on you, or being "fine" with the guy who "doesn't want a relationship right now"...but choosing to do that, we choose our outcome.
Change what hurts you, do not allow yourself to go through the same thing over and over.
At some point, you need to come to the realization of what you deserve, and not just settling.
And believe me, what you deserve is 100 times better than what we settle for 100% of the time.

I Caught Myself.

If there is one thing that I have always struggled with my entire life, it would have to be on how I view myself.

I remember one day, in my classroom in 4th grade I was sitting next to my best friend.

She was blonde, cute, skinny, pretty. As I was sitting next to her, I was comparing our legs in shorts.

My day was ruined, and I was completely devastated when I found that my legs were 2 inches bigger than hers.

From that day on, I was always aware of how I looked.

As I was sitting in front of the mirror this morning, putting my makeup on...I really examined myself.

This time, when I stared into my dirty mirror on my wall, I wasn't thinking to myself.."Oooh, I look cute today...Get it girl!"

This time, all I saw were my huge flaws, I thought to myself..

"I hate my fingers.

I hate my calves.

I hate my nose.

I hate that stupid scar under my lip.

I hate how long it takes my hair to grow."

Right then, I caught myself.

I caught myself being that "mean girl"who seemed to pick on everyone's flaws.

This time, I was the rude girl and the one who secretly wen't home and sobbed on her bed after hearing those remarks.

It then hit me, I am my worst enemy.

I am the only person who can allow myself to feel like I am not good enough.

I am the only person who can declare that I am having a "fat day", or a "bad hair day", or even a bad day in general.

I am the only person who can make myself think I am not good enough, skinny enough, or pretty enough.

After I caught myself doing that today, I remembered the verse 1Peter 3:3,4:

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle 

and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

This verse is now taped to my mirror.

So  as I am getting ready in the morning, I remember that although I might not see beauty in the mirror, God always sees it in me.

Update! (Please forgive me)

I am now completely aware that I have neglected my little blog for the past 2 months!
     But seriously, where has time gone?


It feels like 2 months ago, I just graduated from high school...not in my second semester of college!


I don't think I have found something to be so true than the 7 words, "Time flies when you're having fun", in the past few months....


Except for me, it probably should be "Time flies when you're really friggen busy!


Instead of writing this blog on a certain occasion, I am just going to give a quick update on my life...
(But I promise I will get on another blog ASAP).


Well, for starters...School has been overwhelming!
(Speaking of which, I just took a batch of brownies out the oven for my English class tomorrow. Sweet, right? )
I LOVE every single one of my teachers...which is a first.


I fancy my English teacher's attempt to be the Freedom Writers teacher...she is a hoot and a half.


A piece of my heart is in Afghanistan at the moment...</3


I have moved into my OWN room and have become obsessed with decorating it to express my personality.
(pictures up soon!)


I love my cooking class! I am learning sooo much, it's so fun.
I am looking forward to my 5 year old cousin's big princess birthday party this Saturday. (Sad, right? haha.)
It is going to be amazing though: a hired princess, a carriage, a cotton candy machine, and princess dresses...What more could any girl ask for? (Besides her Prince Charming)
Speaking of Prince Charming, I kinda/semi/maybe/won't admit if I have spotted mine yet ;D


This spring weather has put me in such a GOOD mood, I LOVE it.


My sister still sucks eggs.
My bond with my best friends have gotten even stronger, and I have realized I am incredibly blessed (yes) to have them in my life.


I discovered that it's never good to drive on E for days at a time.


Discovered the new Glade plug-in scent for Spring, so every time I walk in my room...I want to stay in my room for hours at a time!


Deepened my love for butter.
Fell in love with my Hello Kitty slippers.


....And remembered why I carry my pink pepper spray (More deets on that on a later basis).


Well, I am currently so overly tired, it's not funny.
I promise I'll keep in touch on here alot more!
If I fail, feel free to pinch me (Just kidding, you'll get punched).


Sincerely,
Yours truly.

You are just not worth it.

These past few months, I have been holding onto something that has been completely exhausting.
These past few months, I have tried and failed at trying to keep myself happy with a certain guy in my life.
These past few months, I have never been happier...nor more utterly shattered.
These past few months, I have been blinded by what I want  instead of what I need.


These past few hours, I have finally let go.
These past few hours, I have realized how much I have not loved myself lately.
These past few hours, I have cried my heart out on my couch.
The past few hours, I finally said goodbye.


I cannot stress enough how much of a people please I am, it's just who I am.
When it comes to guys, I am constantly the girl who will always "be there" for anything you need.
I feel like I am always the one putting in 70%, and getting that 30% back out of obligation.
No matter what, I want to make him happy...even if it means sacrificing my self happiness.


A relationship, in my definition, is the joining of two people who can see themselves somewhere down the road getting married. The joining of two people who are together because they genuinely make each other happy. The joining of two people who can truly be themselves, and even though it makes no sense to anyone else...that's OK, because it makes sense in their world. The joining of two people who compliment each other in every way and  think they are incredibly blessed to have each other.
I thought I had this, but boy was I wrong.


At some point, we all need to realize enough is enough and remember what we deserve.
Being human, we always, always, always, confuse our wants for our needs...and completely disregard what we deserve.
This hit me hard tonight.
As I typed out the text, "Just tell me not to go, and I wont.", my heart was sinking in my chest. What if he didnt respond? What if he said "Go.", or what if maybe, just maybe a miracle happened and he realized that I was the best thing to happpen to him and he couldn't bare the thought of me not being in his life anymore. Hopefully he couldn't bare the thought of not being able to laugh with me anymore, gaze at me while I nervously navigated his truck, not being able to talk to me anytime he was upset, hopefully.


As I am laying on the couch sobbing by myself, my phone finally vibrates.
I look down to see his name, and my heart starts to pound.


"Maybe, just maybe..." I thought.


I opened it, to see.. "Do what you want."


And that's what did it for me. Clearly, Things weren't as I thought. Clearly, I was the only one who was going to be completely heartbroken if I left. Clearly, I wasn't worth putting up a fight for. That's when I realized that this is NOT me. This is not the girl my mother raised me to be. This is not what God wants for me. This is not what I want for me.


No guy is worth crying on the couch on a Saturday night for, not even one.


After I finally worked up the courage to say, "Fine, then you won't have to worry about it anymore....I am done, I am gone."  He finally responded with something that gave a glimmer of hope, "Ugh. No...Please don't leave."


But, I am done. I am done with being at the bottom of the list of priorities.
The way I see it ladies, and what I have been telling friends and myself ALOT lately....
 If a guy truly wants to be with you, he will be with you.
Whether he has the time or not, if a guy sees something he wants...he will get it for himself.
If you are really what he wants in his life, he WILL make it happen, I cant stress that enough.


So you know what? It's time to focus on Amber. Thank you Matt for making me realize what I don't want in a guy, and how much I truly deserve. I will always care for you, but I am no longer going to be there for you as your convenience.
...You are just not worth it.

I miss...

As I lay on the couch watching Bridalplasty, with my mismatching socks, hot chocolate with cinnamon on top, hair in a big messy bun, my holey leggings, and gold fingernails typing away....I miss my best friend. 


I miss the girl who shares the same exact humor as I do.
I miss the girl who gets in her weird, feisty moods..and gets the urge to cuddle.
I miss the girl who will belt out Patsy Cline at any given moment with me.


I miss the girl who I read my ridiculous formspring questions to, in hopes of getting a witty response.
I miss the girl who always says, "Come on sister" when we are in public.
I miss the girl who I forgive for hitting me upside the head with a telephone when we were little.


I miss the girl who you always replies "clothes" when I ask her what I should wear.
I miss the girl who I can make the BEST impersonations of.
I miss the girl who will sit on my bed and talk to me for hours about anything.


I miss the girl who made the cheer leading team in middle school and not me..(But I aint hatin')
I miss the girl who will do the splits, if I do the booty pop.
I miss the girl whose natural hair is thick, black, curly ringlets fall in her face at random moments.


I miss the girl who is the "sense" to my "sensibility".
I miss the girl who completes mt sentences without an effort.
I miss the girl who is currently at work.


I miss my sister, my best friend, my beautiful other half.

I love you sister<3

Thank you Jesus for blessing me with such an amazing and adoring best friend.

Life Needs Butter.

Recently, I have gone on a baking binge. I find myself craving new recipe ideas, new baking tools, cooking spray to make things a little easier, and a bigger fridge to store my creations.I realized today that Just like life, things don't turn out as good (and delicious) as we expect and anticipate them. Sometimes in life, we add "too much" of something, and "not enough" of another, and the ending result is disappointing.
Either, we can throw in the towel and say, "I am never attempting to make that ever again.." Or, we can challenge ourselves and say, "Alright recipe, this time you one...but next time I shall conquer you and it will be good."
Please don't call me Paula Dean when I say that as I was making my apple pie today, I realized that life needs butter. A little butter for when we see ourselves "stuck", a little butter to brush over the topping of life to keep us glossy and shiny.
A little butter to ensure that recipe of life runs nice and smooth. And then it hit me, as I was brushing the melted butter onto the crust,
JESUS is the "butter" in our recipe for life.
Just some food for thought(;

Lavender Fabric Softener.

I want to be in love... maybe not exactly now, but eventually. I want to fall desperately, and irrevocably in complete adoration with not just any man, but my best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life with a guy who  doesn't mind me doing his laundry with lavender scented fabric softener,  doesn't mind me curling his eyelashes just once, a guy who loves thee little notes I leave him on his truck for when I am thinking about him, a guy who doesn't mind coming second place to Edward (; , a guy who is willing to go above and beyond himself just to make me smile, a guy who grabs my hand whenever we're in public to ensure that I am his, a guy who doesn't mind watching Harry Potter with me when I feel the urge to, a guy who tells me where we are going when I can't make up my mind, a guy who will rush to the store for me if I am missing an ingredient for a recipe, a guy who will reassure me that my food tastes good, even if I know its a lie, and most importantly....a guy who is in L O V E with my Savior. Not just, "Yeah, I love God."...more like, "Yes, I am in desperate awe of my beautiful Savior, and my main desire is to live FOR Him." 




Jesus, allow my eyes to be open to who you have placed on Earth for me, and to let our relationship glorify you in every single way.