These past few months, I have been holding onto something that has been completely exhausting.
These past few months, I have tried and failed at trying to keep myself happy with a certain guy in my life.
These past few months, I have never been happier...nor more utterly shattered.
These past few months, I have been blinded by what I want instead of what I need.
These past few hours, I have finally let go.
These past few hours, I have realized how much I have not loved myself lately.
These past few hours, I have cried my heart out on my couch.
The past few hours, I finally said goodbye.
I cannot stress enough how much of a people please I am, it's just who I am.
When it comes to guys, I am constantly the girl who will always "be there" for anything you need.
I feel like I am always the one putting in 70%, and getting that 30% back out of obligation.
No matter what, I want to make him happy...even if it means sacrificing my self happiness.
A relationship, in my definition, is the joining of two people who can see themselves somewhere down the road getting married. The joining of two people who are together because they genuinely make each other happy. The joining of two people who can truly be themselves, and even though it makes no sense to anyone else...that's OK, because it makes sense in their world. The joining of two people who compliment each other in every way and think they are incredibly blessed to have each other.
I thought I had this, but boy was I wrong.
At some point, we all need to realize enough is enough and remember what we deserve.
Being human, we always, always, always, confuse our wants for our needs...and completely disregard what we deserve.
This hit me hard tonight.
As I typed out the text, "Just tell me not to go, and I wont.", my heart was sinking in my chest. What if he didnt respond? What if he said "Go.", or what if maybe, just maybe a miracle happened and he realized that I was the best thing to happpen to him and he couldn't bare the thought of me not being in his life anymore. Hopefully he couldn't bare the thought of not being able to laugh with me anymore, gaze at me while I nervously navigated his truck, not being able to talk to me anytime he was upset, hopefully.
As I am laying on the couch sobbing by myself, my phone finally vibrates.
I look down to see his name, and my heart starts to pound.
"Maybe, just maybe..." I thought.
I opened it, to see.. "Do what you want."
And that's what did it for me. Clearly, Things weren't as I thought. Clearly, I was the only one who was going to be completely heartbroken if I left. Clearly, I wasn't worth putting up a fight for. That's when I realized that this is NOT me. This is not the girl my mother raised me to be. This is not what God wants for me. This is not what I want for me.
No guy is worth crying on the couch on a Saturday night for, not even one.
After I finally worked up the courage to say, "Fine, then you won't have to worry about it anymore....I am done, I am gone." He finally responded with something that gave a glimmer of hope, "Ugh. No...Please don't leave."
But, I am done. I am done with being at the bottom of the list of priorities.
The way I see it ladies, and what I have been telling friends and myself ALOT lately....
If a guy truly wants to be with you, he will be with you.
Whether he has the time or not, if a guy sees something he wants...he will get it for himself.
If you are really what he wants in his life, he WILL make it happen, I cant stress that enough.
So you know what? It's time to focus on Amber. Thank you Matt for making me realize what I don't want in a guy, and how much I truly deserve. I will always care for you, but I am no longer going to be there for you as your convenience.
...You are just not worth it.
